


Friends - Harry Potter Style

by Ravenclaw_bae (hahathatsgay)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Friendship, Hermione and Harry are siblings, M/M, feminine!draco, luna is...luna, neville is a bit stupid, pretty much draco is rachel, ron is sarcastic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-18 07:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11286192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hahathatsgay/pseuds/Ravenclaw_bae
Summary: Three young men and three young women - of the BFF kind - live in the same apartment complex and face life and love in New York. They're not above sticking their noses into one another's businesses and swapping romantic partners, which always leads to the kind of hilarity average people will never experience - especially during breakups.





	1. The One Where Hermione Gets a New Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I doing this? Well, why the hell not? I was making a Doctor Who one a long time ago and now I'm back. Prepare for the complete and utter waste of your time. I apologize in advance.  
> Anyway who's who:  
> Ross: Harry  
> Rachel: Draco (very feminine and very gay)  
> Chandler: Ron  
> Monica: Hermione  
> Joey: Neville  
> Phoebe: Luna  
> -minor characters-  
> Carol: Ginny  
> Susan: Pansy  
> Barry: Blaise

[Scene: Central Perk, **Ron** , **Neville** , **Luna** , and **Hermione** are there.]

 **Hermione:**  There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

 **Neville:**  C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

 **Ron:**   So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

 **Luna:**  Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

 **Luna:**  Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

 **Hermione:**  Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

 **Ron:**  Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

 **Ron:**  Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

 **All:**  Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

 **Ron:**  Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

 **Neville:**  Instead of...?

 **Ron:**  That's right.

 **Neville:**  Never had that dream.

 **Luna:**  No.

 **Ron:**  All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, **Harry** has entered.]

 **Harry:**  (mortified) Hi.

 **Neville:**  This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

 **Hermione:**  Are you okay, sweetie?

 **Harry:**  I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

 **Ron:**  Cookie?

 **Hermione:**  (explaining to the others) Ginny moved her stuff out today.

 **Hermione:**  (to **Harry** ) Let me get you some coffee.

 **Luna:**  Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of **Harry**.)

 **Harry:**  No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

 **Harry:**  I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

 **Hermione:**  No you don't.

 **Harry:**  No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

 **Neville:**  And you never knew she was a lesbian...

 **Harry:**  No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

 **Ron:**  Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

 **Neville:**  Alright Harry, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

( **Harry** gestures his consent.)

 **Neville:**  Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

 **Harry:**  I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

( **Draco** enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

 **Ron:**  And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

 **Hermione:**  Draco?!

 **Draco:**  Oh God Hermione hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

 **Waitress:**  Can I get you some coffee?

 **Hermione:**  (pointing at **Draco** ) Decaf. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Draco, another Lincoln High survivor. (to **Draco** ) This is everybody, this is Ron, and Luna, and Neville, and- you remember my brother Harry?

 **Draco:**  Hi, sure!

 **Harry:**  Hi.

(They go to hug but **Harry's** umbrella opens.  He sits back down defeated again.  A moment of silence follows as **Draco** sits and the others expect him to explain.)

 **Hermione:**  So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

 **Draco:**  Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought him coffee) Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Blaise! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Blaise looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to **Hermione** ) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

 **Hermione:**  Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

 **Draco:**  Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

[Scene: Hermione's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

 **Hermione:**  Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

 **Draco:**  (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

 **Ron:**  (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.

 **Neville:**  I say push her down the stairs.

 **Luna, Harry, Ron, and Neville:**   Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

 **Draco:**  C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

 **Harry:**  You can see where he'd have trouble.

 **Draco:**  Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Hermione.

 **Hermione:**  Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Hermione...

 **Draco:**  Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, **Draco** is breathing into a paper bag.]

 **Hermione:**  Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...

 **Luna:**  (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, ( **Draco** and **Hermione** turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleigh bells and- something with mittens... La la la la...

 **Draco:**  I'm all better now.

 **Luna:**  (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to **Ron** and **Neville**.) I helped!

 **Hermione:**  Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. 

 **Neville:**  (comforting him) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Neville. Me and Ron live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

 **Hermione:**  Neville, stop hitting on him! It's him wedding day!

 **Neville:**  What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and **Ron** gets it.)

 **Ron:**  Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

 **Paul:**  (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

 **Hermione:**   Buzz him in!

 **Neville:**  Who's Paul?

 **Harry:**  Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

 **Hermione:**  Maybe. 

 **Neville:**  Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

 **Harry:**  He finally asked you out?

 **Hermione:**  Yes!

 **Ron:**  Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

 **Hermione:**  Dray, wait, I can cancel...

 **Draco:**  Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

 **Hermione:**  (to **Harry** ) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

 **Harry:**  (choked voice) That'd be good...

 **Hermione:**  (horrified) Really?

 **Harry:**  (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

(There's a knock on the door and it's **Paul**.)

 **Hermione:**  Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.) ... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

 **All:**  Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

 **Ron:**  I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

 **Hermione:**  (Shows **Paul** in) Two seconds.

 **Luna:**  Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

 **Harry:**  So, Draco, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

 **Draco:**  Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

 **Harry:**  Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God... No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Neville and Ron are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

 **Ron:**  (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

 **Draco:**  Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. 

 **Harry:**  Okay, sure.

 **Neville:**  Hey Luna, you wanna help?

 **Luna:**  Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

 [Scene: Harry's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

 **Harry:**  (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

 **Neville:**  (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

 **Ron:**  I have no idea.

( **Neville** checks that **Harry** is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

 **Neville:**  Done with the bookcase!

 **Ron:**  All finished!

 **Harry:**  (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Ginny's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

 **Neville:**  Harry, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

 **Harry:**  You guys.

 **Ron:**  Oh, God.

 **Neville:**  You got screwed.

[Scene: A Restaurant, **Hermione** and **Paul** are eating.]

 **Hermione:**  Oh my God!

 **Paul:**  I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

 **Hermione:**  My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

 **Paul:**  Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

 **Hermione:**  -leg?

 **Paul:**  (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

 **Hermione:**  You actually broke her watch? 

[Scene: Hermione's Apartment, **Draco** is talking on the phone and pacing.]

 **Draco:**  Blaise, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (He stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...

[Scene: Harry's Apartment; **Harry** is pacing while **Neville** and **Ron** are working on some more furniture.]

 **Harry:**  You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

 **Neville:**  What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Harry. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

 **Harry:**  I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

 **Ron:**  Stay out of my freezer!

[Scene: A Restaurant, **Hermione** and **Paul** are still eating.]

 **Paul:**  Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

 **Hermione:**  What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

 **Paul:**  No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

 **Hermione:**  Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

 **Paul:**  Isn't there?

 **Hermione:**  Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

 **Paul:**  Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. ( **Hermione** takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

 **Hermione:**  (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

 **Paul:**  It's okay...

 **Hermione:**  I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

 **Paul:**  Two years.

 **Hermione:**  Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

 **Paul:**  So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

 **Hermione:**  (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Hermione's Apartment, **Draco** is watching  _Joanne Loves Chachi_.]

 **Draco:**  Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Harry's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

 **Harry:**  (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

 **Harry:**  Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to **Draco** staring out of his window.]

[Scene: Hermione's Apartment, **Draco** is making coffee for **Neville** and **Ron**.]

 **Draco:**  Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

 **Ron:**  That is amazing.

 **Neville:**  Congratulations. Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... ( **Neville** and **Ron** taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

 **All:**  Morning. Good morning.

 **Paul:**  (entering from Hermione's room) Morning.

 **Neville:**  Morning, Paul.

 **Draco:**  Hello, Paul.

 **Ron:**  Hi, Paul, is it?

( **Hermione** and **Paul** walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear.  The others move Hermione's table closer to the door so that they can.)

 **Paul:**  Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

 **Neville:**  That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

 **Hermione:**  Shut up, and put my table back.

 **All:**  Okayyy! (They do so.)

 **Ron:**  All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

 **Draco:**  So, like, you guys all have jobs?

 **Hermione:**  Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

 **Neville:**  Yeah, I'm an actor.

 **Draco:**  Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

 **Neville:**  I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

 **Hermione:**  Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio

 **Ron:**  'Look, Geppetto, I'm a real live boy.'

 **Neville:**  I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

 **Ron:**  You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) " _Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..._ "

 **Hermione:**  So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Blaise? I can't stop smiling.

 **Draco:**  I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

 **Hermione:**  I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

 **Draco:**  Oh, yeah.

 **Hermione:**  Well, it's like that. With feelings.

 **Draco:**  Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

 **Hermione:**  Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

 **Draco:**  Oh, look, wish me luck!

 **Hermione:**  What for?

 **Draco:**  I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

( **Hermione** exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, **Hermione** is working as **Frannie** enters.]

 **Frannie** : Hey, Hermione!

 **Hermione** : Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?

 **Frannie** : You had sex, didn't you?

 **Hermione** : How do you do that?

 **Frannie** : So? Who?

 **Hermione** : You know Paul?

 **Frannie** : Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

 **Hermione** : You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

 **Frannie** : Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but **Draco** is there.]

 **Neville** : (sitting on the arm of the couch) Of course it was a line!

 **Hermione** : Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

 **Harry** : I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

 **Hermione** : Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

 **Luna** : All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)

 **Hermione** : I just thought he was nice, y'know?

 **Neville** : (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!

( **Hermione** pushes him off of the sofa as **Draco** enters with a shopping bag.)

 **Draco** : Guess what?

 **Harry** : You got a job?

 **Draco** : Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.

 **Ron** : And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

 **Draco** : You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!

 **Ron** : Oh, how well you know me...

 **Draco** : They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!

 **Hermione** : How'd you pay for them?

 **Draco** : Uh, credit card.

 **Hermione** : And who pays for that?

 **Draco** : Um... my... father.

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. **Draco's** credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

 **Hermione** : C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

 **Draco** : I know that. That's why I was getting married.

 **Luna** : Give him a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

 **Draco** : Thank you.

 **Luna** : You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

(Pause)

 **Harry** : The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...

 **Hermione** : you ready?

 **Draco** : I don't think so.

 **Harry** : C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...

 **All** : Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (He cuts one of them and they cheer.)

 **All** : Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

 **Hermione** : Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

[Time Lapse, **Draco** and **Harry** are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]

 **Hermione** : Well, that's it (To **Harry** ) You gonna crash on the couch?

 **Harry** : No. No, I gotta go home sometime.

 **Hermione** : You be okay?

 **Harry** : Yeah.

 **Draco** : Hey Mione, look what I just found on the floor. ( **Hermione** smiles.) What?

 **Hermione** : That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

( **Hermione** stomps on **Paul's** watch and goes into her room.)

 **Harry** : Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-

 **Draco** : Sorry-

 **Harry** : No no no, go-

 **Draco** : No, you have it, really, I don't want it-

 **Harry** : Split it?

 **Draco** : Okay.

 **Harry** : Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.

 **Draco** : I knew.

 **Harry** : You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Hermione's geeky older brother.

 **Draco** : I did.

 **Harry** : Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

 **Draco** : Yeah, maybe...

 **Harry** : Okay... okay, maybe I will...

 **Draco** : Goodnight.

 **Harry** : Goodnight.

( **Draco** goes into his room and **Hermione** enters the living room as **Harry** is leaving.)

 **Hermione** : See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?

 **Harry** : I just grabbed a spoon. ( **Harry** exits and **Hermione** has no idea what that means.)

**Closing Credits**

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

 **Neville** : I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

 **Luna** : (sings)  _I can't believe what I'm hearing here..._

 **Hermione** : What? I-I said you had a-

 **Luna** : (sings)  _What I said you had..._

 **Hermione** : (to **Luna** ) Would you stop?

 **Luna** : Oh, was I doing it again?

 **Draco** : (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?

 **Ron** : Did you make it, or are you just serving it?

 **Draco** : I'm just serving it.

 **All** : Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

 **Ron** : Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas.

 **Ron** :  I'm Liza Minelli-

**End**


	2. The One with the Sonogram at the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I got the most awesome comment I have ever received (okay the only comment I've ever received but shut up) from Senalia and honestly I couldn't stop smiling. So thank you. Anyway, here is the next chapter.  
> -minor characters-  
> Mrs. Geller: Minerva McGonagall  
> Mr. Geller: Albus Dumbledore  
> Mindy: Daphne Greengrass
> 
> I do not ship McGonagall and Dumbledore because come on, Dumbles is hella gay. However they are my brotp and I can see them being parental figures to Hermione and Harry. And I still don't know what I am going to do with the whole surname situation with Hermione and Harry but I will figure it out.

[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]

** Hermione: **  What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

** Neville: **  Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?

** Luna: **  Oh, yeah!

** Draco: **  Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

** Hermione: **  Absolutely.

** Ron: **  Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

** Harry: **  Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

** Ron: **  The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

** Draco: **  Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

** Neville: **  (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

** Opening Credits **

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, **Harry** and a co-worker ( **Marsha** ) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

** Harry: **  No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?

** Marsha: **  Well, she has issues.

** Harry: **  Does she.

** Marsha: **  He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!

** Harry: **  Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?

** Marsha: **  Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?

( **Ginny** , **Harry's** ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)

** Harry: **  (trying to ignore her) No. No.

** Marsha: **  Yes, it is. Ginny! Hi!

** Harry: **  Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.

( **Marsha** extis and **Harry** waves **Ginny** into the exhibit.)

** Harry: ** Hi.

** Ginny: **  So.

** Harry: **  You look great. I, uh... I hate that.

** Ginny: **  Sorry. You look good too.

** Harry: **  Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...

** Ginny: **  A lesbian?

** Harry: **  Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?

** Ginny: **  Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-

** Harry: **  Why- why are you here, Ginny?

** Ginny: **  I'm pregnant.

** Harry: **  Pregnant?!

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Ron** , **Neville** , **Luna** , and **Hermione** are watching  _Three's Company_.]

** Ron: **  Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

** Luna: ** ...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)

** Hermione: **  (taking a drink from **Neville** ) Are you through with that?

** Neville: **  Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

** Hermione: **  Whose little ball of paper is this?!

** Ron: **  Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that **Hermione** is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.

( **Hermione** starts to fluff a pillow.)

** Luna: **  She's already fluffed that pillow... Hermione, you know, you've already fluffed that- ( **Hermione** glares at her.) -but, it's fine!

** Hermione: **  Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.

** Ron: **  Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.

** Luna: **  Hermione- Hi! Um, Hermione, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.

** Neville: **  Yeah, calm down. You don't see Harry getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.

** Hermione: **  That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Harry can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

** Ron: **  (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!

** Hermione: **  What?

** Ron: **  Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

** All: **  Eeaagh!

( **Draco** enters from his room.)

** Draco: **  Has anybody seen my engagement ring?

** Luna: **  Yeah, it's beautiful.

** Draco: **  Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)

** Luna: **  No, look, don't touch that!

** Draco: **  Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Blaise! Remember me? I'm the guy in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...

** Hermione: **  Easy Dray, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!

** Ron and Neville:  ** Oh! Yeah!

** Neville: **  Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

** Luna: **  Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

** Ron: **  You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...

** Draco: **  I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...

** Ron: **  ...Dinah?

** Draco: **  (looks at the lasagna and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...

** Hermione: **  You didn't.

** Draco: **  Oh, I am sorry...

** Hermione: **  I gave you one job! (Starts to examine the lasagna through the bottom of the glass pan.)

** Draco: **  Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!

** Ron: **  Now, Hermione, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna...

** Hermione: **  (puts down the lasagna) I just... can't do it.

** Ron: **  Boys? We're going in.

( **Ron** , **Neville** , and **Luna** start to pick through the lasagna as there's a knock on the door which **Hermione** answers.)

** Harry: **  (standing outside the door).....Hi.

** Hermione: **  Wow. That is not a happy hi.

** Harry: **  Ginny's pregnant.

** Luna: **  (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!

** Hermione: **  W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...

** Harry: **  Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)

** Ron: **  Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mione?

** Draco: **  Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?

** Harry: **  Well, Ginny says she and Pansy want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.

** Luna: **  She is so great! I miss her.

** Hermione: **  What does she mean by 'involved'?

** Ron: **  I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

** Harry: **  Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.

** Draco: **  So what are you gonna do?

** Harry: **  I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.

( **Neville** starts to eat the rest of the lasagna and everyone turns and stares at him.)

** Neville: **  .....Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Hermione and Draco's, **Hermione** and **Harry** are pouring wine for their parents.]

** Minerva: **  Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste?

** Hermione: **  Curry.

** Minerva: **  Mmmm!

** Harry: **  I- I think they're great! I, I really do.

** Albus: **  (To **Harry** ) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?

** Minerva: **  They all had a thing for him.

** Harry: **  Aw, Mom...

** Hermione: **  I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?

** Minerva: **  Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-

** Hermione: **  No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.

** Minerva: **  Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow **Hermione** fluffed multiple times earlier.)

** Hermione: **  Harry, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?

** Harry: **  Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)

** Minerva: **  Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.

** Hermione: **  I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]

** Minerva: **  What that Draco did to his life.... We ran into his parents at the club, they were not playing very well.

** Albus: **  I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!

** Minerva: **  Well, at least he had the chance to leave a man at the altar...

** Hermione: **  What's that supposed to mean?

** Minerva: **  Nothing! It's an expression.

** Hermione: **  No it's not.

** Albus: **  Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...

[Time Lapse.]

** Albus: **  Look, there are people like Harry who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

[Time Lapse.]

** Albus: **  ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Hermione' doesn't seem to have that problem.

** Hermione: **  (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Harry, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

** Harry: **  (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Ginny and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Ginny's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Pansy. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Pansy are going to raise the baby.

(Stunned silence ensues.)

** Minerva: **  (To **Hermione** ) And you knew about this?!

** Commercial Break **

[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]

** Neville: **  Your folks are really that bad, huh?

** Harry: **  Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.

** Hermione: **  Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To **Harry** ) -I'd want yours.

** Harry: **  Must pee. (Goes to pee.)

** Luna: **  Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.

** Draco: **  You're twins?

** Luna: **  Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.

** Ron: **  What does she do?

** Luna: **  She's a waitress.

** Draco: **  All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.)

** Hermione: **  Ron, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.

** Ron: **  Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.

** Draco: **  The lights, please..

( **Neville** turns off the lights, and they all leave as **Draco** starts to clean up.  **Harry** enters from the bathroom.)

** Harry: **  ...How long was I in there?

** Draco: **  I'm just cleaning up.

** Harry: **  D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?

** Draco: **  Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (He hands him the broom and sits down.)

** Harry: **  Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Blaise tomorrow?

** Draco: **  Oh.. a little..

** Harry: **  Mm-hmm..

** Draco: **  A lot.

** Harry: **  Mm.

** Draco: **  So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?

** Harry: **  Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Blaise back his ring, and you can go with Ginny and Pansy to the OB/GYN...

** Draco: **  Oh, you've got Ginny tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?

** Harry: **  Got me.

** Draco: **  Remember when we were in high school together?

** Harry: **  Yeah.

** Draco: **  I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? ( **Harry** gazes at him.) ..Harry?

** Harry: **  Yes, yes!

** Draco: **  Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (He leans back onto **Harry’s** hand.)

** Harry: **  Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.)

[Scene: Ginny's OB/GYN, **Ginny** is waiting.]

** Harry: **  (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.

( **Pansy** enters holding a drink.)

** Pansy: **  Hi.

** Ginny: **  Harry, you remember Pansy.

** Harry: **  How could I forget?

** Pansy: **  Harry.

** Harry: **  (they shake hands) Hello, Pansy. (To **Ginny** ) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?

** Ginny: **  Dr. Oberman.

** Harry: **  ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-

** Pansy: **  She.

** Harry: **  -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?

** Ginny: **  Yes, and she's very supportive.

** Harry: **  Okay, that's great. ( **Pansy** gives her drink to **Ginny**.) No, I'm- Oh. 

** Ginny: **  Thanks.

** Harry: **  (picks up a surgical instrument and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..

** Ginny: **  Harry? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)

[Scene Blaise's office, **Blaise** is working on patient, **Robbie** , as **Draco** enters.]

** Draco: **  Blaise?

** Blaise: **  C'mon in.

** Draco: **  (hesitates) Are you sure?

** Blaise: **  Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.

** Robbie: **  Huh?!

** Blaise: **  So, how ya doin?

** Draco: **  I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!

** Blaise: **  Yeah, well..

** Bernice: **  (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.

** Blaise: **  (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To **Robbie** and **Draco** ) Be back in a sec.

(As Blaise exits Robbie stares at Draco.)

** Draco: **  I dumped him.

** Robbie: **  Okay.

[Scene: Ginny's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.]

** Harry: **  So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?

** Ginny: **  Give me a 'for instance'.

** Harry: **  Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?

** Ginny: **  Marlon-

** Harry: **  Marlon?!

** Ginny: **  -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.

** Harry: **  ...As in Mouse?

** Ginny: **  As in my grandmother.

** Harry: **  Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?

** Ginny: **  Julia..

** Pansy: **  We agreed on Minnie.

** Harry: **  'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?

[Scene: Blaise's office, **Draco** is checking his teeth in the mirror on **Blaise's** lamp as **Blaise** enters.]

** Blaise: **  Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?

** Draco: **  Oh, not much. I-I got a job.

** Blaise: **  Oh, that's great.

** Draco: **  Why are- why are you so tanned?

** Blaise: **  Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.

** Draco: **  Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?

** Blaise: **  No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.

** Robbie: **  Me?!

** Blaise: **  No! (To **Draco** ) I went with Daphne.

** Draco: **  Daphne?! My maid of honour, Daphne?!

** Blaise: **  Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.

** Draco: **  Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) You've got plugs!

** Blaise: **  Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.

** Draco: **  And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!

** Blaise: **  Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.

** Draco: **  Okay..

** Blaise: **  See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.

** Draco: **  Wow.

** Blaise: **  You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Daphne, now I'm happy. Spit.

** Draco: **  What?

** Robbie: **  Me. (Spits.)

** Draco: **  Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of his pocket.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.

** Blaise: **  Well, thank you for giving it back.

( **Blaise** and **Draco** look at each other.)

** Robbie: **  Hello?!

[Scene: Ginny's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]

** Pansy: **  Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?

** Harry: **  Helen Potter? I don't think so.

** Ginny: **  Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Potter.

** Harry: **  Thank you!

** Ginny: **  No, I mean it's not Potter.

** Harry: **  What, it's gonna be Helen Parkinson?

** Ginny: **  No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Parkinson-Weasley.

** Harry: **  Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?

** Pansy: **  It's my baby too.

** Harry: **  Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.

** Pansy: **  Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!

** Ginny: **  All right, you two, stop it!

** Harry: **  No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.

** Ginny: **  Harry. You're not actually suggesting Helen Parkinson-Weasley-Potter? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.

** Harry: **  Of course not, I'm... suggesting Potter-Parkinson-Weasley.

** Pansy: **  Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Potter, then he gets his way!

** Harry: **  My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-

** Dr. Oberman: **  (entering) Knock knock! How are we today? Any nausea?

** All: **  Yeah. Yeah. A little.

** Dr. Oberman: **  Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To **Ginny** ) Uh, lie back..

** Harry: **  You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now.

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches his ear.  He returns and stares at it.)

** Harry: **  Oh my God.

** Pansy: **  Look at that.

** Ginny: **  I know.

** Closing Credits **

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. **Draco** is on the phone.]

** Harry: **  Well? Isn't that amazing?

** Neville: **  What are we supposed to be seeing here?

** Ron: **  I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

** Luna: **  You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.

** Harry: **  Then don't do that, alright?

** Luna: **  Okay!

** Harry: **  (walks over to where **Hermione** is standing) Hermione. Whaddya think?

** Hermione: **  (welling up) Mm-hmm.

** Harry: **  Wh- are you welling up?

** Hermione: **  No.

** Harry: **  You are, you're welling up.

** Hermione: **  Am not!

** Harry: **  You're gonna be an aunt.

** Hermione: **  (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!

** Draco: **  (on phone) Hi, Daphne. Hi, it-it's Draco. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Blaise today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel  **so**  much better now.

** End **


	3. The One With the Thumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Harry Potter turning 20 today, I am posting another chapter. bocayeka561 asked how long I was planning on making this story because the show is really long. I know the show is super long and if I do go on to do other seasons there will be things I'll have to deal with like Rachel getting pregnant and obviously Draco can't really get pregnant. it'll be a mess. So right now I am focused on finishing the first season and seeing where it goes from there.  
> I'm so happy all of you are enjoying this story.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but **Luna** is there.]

 **Luna:**  (entering) Hi guys!

 **All:**  Hey, Luna! Hi!

 **Harry:**  Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

 **Luna:**  Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'

 **All:**  Ohh. Ouch.

 **Draco:**  What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

 **Hermione:**  Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.

 **Draco:**  Since when?

 **Neville:**  Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.

 **Ron:**  Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

 **Luna:**  Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.

 **Draco:**  And everybody knows this?

 **Neville:**  Yeah. Cushions the blow.

 **Ron:**  Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

 **Harry:**  That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

 **Hermione:**  Uh, Harry.

 **Harry:**  What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Hedwig!

**Opening Credits**

[Scene: Ron and Neville's, **Ron** is helping **Neville** rehearse for a part.]

 **Ron:**  "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

 **Neville:**  "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

 **Ron:**  Hey, that was really good!

 **Neville:**  Thanks! Let's keep going.

 **Ron:**  Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"

 **Neville:**  "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

 **Ron:**  "Smoke away."

( **Neville** takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He fumbles and drops the lighter.  Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and coughs.)

 **Ron:**  I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

 **Neville:**  What?

 **Ron:**  Relax your hand!

( **Neville** lets his wrist go limp.)

 **Ron:**  Not so much!

 **Neville:**  Whoah!

 **Ron:**  Hey!

 **Neville:**  Hey!

 **Ron:**  Alright, now try taking a puff.

( **Neville** tries and visibly winces.)

 **Ron:**  Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

 **Neville:**  No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

 **Ron:**  It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

( **Neville** reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

 **Ron:**  Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

 **Neville:**  Y'miss it?

 **Ron:**  Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)

[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except **Luna** and **Draco** is there.]

 **Hermione:**  No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(The guys stretch out their fingers.)

 **Neville:**  That's ridiculous!

 **Harry:**  Can I use.. either thumb?

 **Draco:**  (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Neville.. Coffee black.. Latte.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

 **All:**  Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

 **Draco:**  (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as **Luna** enters.  She sits down without saying hi.)

 **Neville:**  Y'okay, Luna?

 **Luna:**  Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.

 **Hermione:**  What did they do to you?

 **Luna:**  It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

 **Harry:**  Easy.

 **Luna:**  - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

 **Ron:**  Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

 **Luna:**  Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

 **Neville:**  What are you talking about? Keep it!

 **Luna:**  It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

 **Draco:**  Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

 **Luna:**  Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...

 **Hermione:**  We're with you. We got it.

( **Ron** leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)

 **Luna:**  Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

 **Draco:**  Ron, what are you doing?

 **Hermione:**  (pulling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?

( **Ron** tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)

 **All:**  Oh! Oh, God!

 **Harry:**  What is this?!

 **Ron:**  I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

 **Luna:**  Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!

 **Ron:**  And this- is my reward!

 **Harry:**  Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

 **Ron:**  Okay, so this time I won't quit!

 **All:**  Ohhh! Put it out!

 **Ron:**  All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Luna's coffee.)

 **Luna:**  Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!

 **Hermione:**  Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.

 **Draco:**  This Alan again? How's it goin'?

 **Hermione:**  'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.

 **Neville:**  So when do we get to meet the guy?

 **Hermione:**  Let's see, today's Monday... Never.

 **All:**  Oh, come on! Come on!

 **Hermione:**  No. Not after what happened with Steve.

 **Ron:**  What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

 **Hermione:**  Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

 **Draco:**  Well, then can we meet him?

 **Hermione:**  Nope. Schhorry.

[Scene: Iridium, **Hermione** and **Paula** are at work.]

 **Hermione:**  I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

 **Paula:**  Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.

 **Hermione:**  I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.

 **Paula:**  Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Ron** is smoking out on the balcony, **Luna** is absent.]

 **Neville:**  Let it go, Harry.

 **Harry:**  Yeah, well, you didn't know Hedwig.

 **Hermione:**  Do you all promise?

 **All:**  Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

 **Hermione:**  (shouts to **Ron** ) Ron? Do you promise to be good?

( **Ron** makes a 'cross my heart' sign.  It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)

 **Neville:**  You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

( **Ron** sulkily picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)

( **Luna** enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)

 **Harry:**  Hey, Luna.

 **Luna:**  'Dear Ms. Lovegood. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) - _football phone_  as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

 **Draco:**  What bank is this?

(The intercom buzzes.)

 **Hermione:**  Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?

 **Alan:** (on the intercom) It's Alan.

 **Neville:**  (shouting to **Ron** ) Ron! He's here!

( **Ron** comes in, dripping wet.)

 **Hermione:**  (to all) Okay, please be good,  _please_. Just remember how much you all like me.

(She opens the door and **Alan** enters.)

 **Hermione:**  Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

 **Alan:**  Hi.

 **All:**  Hi, Alan.

 **Alan:**  I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time lapse, **Alan** is leaving.]

 **Hermione:**  (to **Alan** ) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. ( **Alan** exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(Silence.)

 **Hermione:**  C'mon!

 **Harry:**  ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.

 **All:**  Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

 **Hermione:**  Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that  _I'm_  going out with?

 **All:**  Yeah!

 **Draco:**  And did you notice...? (He spreads her thumb and index finger.)

 **The Guys:**  (reluctantly) Yeah.

 **Neville:**  Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

 **Luna:**  Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

 **Harry:**  ...What shoe?

 **Luna:**  From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'

(Dubious pause.)

 **Harry:**  ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

 **Draco:**  What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.

 **Hermione:**  Really!

 **Ron:**  Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)

 **Harry:**  You know what I like most about him, though?

 **All:**  What?

 **Harry:**  The way he makes me feel about myself.

 **All:**  Yeah...

**Commercial Break**

[Scene: Central Perk, **Hermione** is alone as **Harry** , **Draco** , **Ron** , and **Neville** enter dejectedly in softball gear.]

 **Hermione:**  Hi.. how was the game?

 **Harry:**  Well..

 **All:**  WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

 **Hermione:**  Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

 **Neville:**  Alan.

 **Harry:**  He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...

 **Draco:**  I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

 **Ron:**  Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewelers a thing or two about softball..

 **Hermione:**  Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

 **Harry:**  What?

 **Hermione:**  ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

 **Draco:**  Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.

 **Harry:**  Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

 **Ron:**  I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

[Scene: A street, **Luna** walks up to a homeless person ( **Lizzie** ) she knows.]

 **Luna:**  Hey, Lizzie.

 **Lizzie:**  Hey, Weird Girl.

 **Luna:**  I brought you alphabet soup.

 **Lizzie:**  Did you pick out the vowels?

 **Luna:**  Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)

 **Lizzie:**  Saltines?

 **Luna:**  No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

 **Lizzie:**  What? (She opens the envelope **Luna** has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.

 **Luna:**  I know.

 **Lizzie:**  Weird Girl, what are you doing?

 **Luna:**  No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.

 **Lizzie:**  No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

 **Luna:**  Oh, that's fine, no.

 **Lizzie:**  Would you like my tin-foil hat?

 **Luna:**  No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.

 **Lizzie:**  Please, let me do something.

 **Luna:**  Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?

 **Lizzie:**  Okay.

 **Luna:**  Okay.

[Scene: Ron's office, **Ron** looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, **Luna** and **Lizzie** are at a hot dog vendor.]

 **Lizzie:**  Keep the change. (To Luna) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?

 **Luna:**  No, I'm fine.

 **Lizzie:**  (leaves) See ya.

( **Luna** opens the can and reacts.)

 **Luna:**  Huh!

[Scene: Central Perk, **Luna** is telling everyone about her discovery.]

 **Harry:**  A  _thumb_?!

( **Luna** nods.)

 **All:**  Eww!

 **Luna:**  I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

 **Ron:**  Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?

 **Luna:**  Does, um, anyone wanna see?

 **All:**  Nooo!

( **Ron** lights a cigarette.)

 **All:**  Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!

 **Draco:**  It's worse than the thumb!

 **Ron:**  Hey, this is so unfair!

 **Hermione:**  Oh, why is it unfair?

 **Ron:**  So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Neville's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Harry, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Hermione, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(An awkward silence ensues.)

 **Neville:**  ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

 **Draco:**  Well, I-I could live without it.

 **Neville:**  Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Luna chews her hair?

( **Luna** spits out her hair.)

 **Harry:**  Oh, now, don't listen to him, Luna, I think it's endearing.

 **Neville:**  Oh, (Imitating **Harry** ) "you do, do you"?

( **Hermione** laughs and snorts.)

 **Harry:**  You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

 **Draco:**  "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.

 **Luna:**  Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

 **Draco:**  Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(They degenerate into bickering and **Ron** happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, **Hermione** and **Paula** are working.]

 **Hermione:**  Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

 **Paula:**  No.

 **Hermione:**  Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.

 **Paula:**  Wait wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

 **Hermione:**  Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel  _the thing_. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.

 **Paula:**  Honey.. you should always feel  _the thing_. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Hermione, dump him!

 **Hermione:**  I know.. it's gonna be really hard.

 **Paula:**  Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

 **Hermione:**  No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.

[Scene: Cental Perk, **Neville** and **Harry** are persecuting **Ron** about his smoking.]

 **Neville:**  Do you have any respect for your body?

 **Harry:**  Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?

 **Ron:**  Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

 **Draco:**  (holding the phone out to **Ron** ) Ron? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.

 **Ron:**  Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)

 **Draco:**  (to **Harry** , who has wandered up) God, he's good.

 **Harry:**  If only he were a woman.

 **Draco:**  Yeah.

(They give each other a dubious look.)

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, everyone except **Hermione** and **Neville** is watching Lambchop.]

 **Ron:**  Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.

 **Harry:**  Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)

 **Hermione:**  (entering) Hey. Where's Neville?

 **Ron:**  Neville ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

 **Draco:**  I think he's across the hall.

 **Hermione:**  Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)

 **Harry:**  (finishing changing Ron's nicotine patch) There y'go.

 **Ron:**  (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

 **Harry:**  Hey Luna, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Luna?

 **Luna:**  Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

 **Harry:**  Hey, I might!

 **Luna:**  Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

 **All:**  You're kidding. Oh my God.

 **Luna:**  And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!

 **Neville:**  (dragged in by **Hermione** , he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?

 **Hermione:**  Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.

 **Neville:**  Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

 **Draco:**  Uh, Neville..

 **Neville:**  Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)

 **Hermione:**  (turns off the TV) Okay..

 **All:**  Oh! That was Lambchop!

 **Hermione:**  Please, guys, we have to talk.

 **Luna:**  Wait, wait, I'm getting a  _deja vu_...no, I'm not.

 **Hermione:**  Alright, we have to talk.

 **Luna:**  There it is!

 **Hermione:**  Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

 **Harry:**  Is there somebody else?

 **Hermione:**  No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.

 **Draco:**  We didn't change..

 **Neville:**  So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

 **Luna:**  You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)

 **Hermione:**  Look, I- I could go on pretending-

 **Neville:**  Okay!

 **Hermione:**  -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!

 **Harry:**  Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.

 **Hermione:**  I'm sorry..

 **Ron:**  (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

 **Draco:**  (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

 **Hermione:**  I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.

 **All:**  Oh, yeah! Right!

 **Hermione:**  Are you guys gonna be okay?

 **Harry:**  Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

 **Hermione:**  (dubious) I understand.

[Scene: A Restaurant, **Hermione** is breaking the news to **Alan**.]

 **Alan:**  Wow.

 **Hermione:**  I'm, I'm really sorry.

 **Alan:**  Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

 **Hermione:**  Relieved?

 **Alan:**  Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.

**Closing Credits**

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, everyone is moping around and eating ice cream.]

 **Draco:**  Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

 **Harry:**  Yeah. He could row like a viking.

 **Hermione:**  (entering) Hi.

 **All:**  Mmm.

 **Harry:**  So how'd it go?

 **Hermione:**  Oh, y'know..

 **Luna:**  Did he mention us?

 **Hermione:**  He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)

 **Harry:**  You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Harry strokes her forehead.)

 **Ron:**  ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.

 **All:**  No no no!

 **Ron:**  (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!

 **Luna:**  (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!

 **Ron:**  (returns) Yeah, alright.

**End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now for some self promotion. I have another Harry Potter story I've been working hard on. It's called Bad Karma and its a murder mystery loosely based off of the horror movie Scream (aka my favorite horror movie franchise) and it has Drarry and so far it only has seven chapter but I'm writing chapter eight and I have the whole story planned out so you wanna check that out, it would be appreciated.  
> Also another self promotion. I have a youtube channel that I post videos I've made on. So far the videos I have are Scream the TV Series, Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and Doctor Who, but i am working on some Harry Potter ones as well. My youtube channel is ravenclaw_bae so if you want to, you can check that out.  
> Anyway that's enough self promotion so until next time (which will probably be today because this story is super easy to update).  
> If you've read all this, leave a comment saying "Draco is a hat" and I'll probably give you a shoutout for it because that's pretty cool. Thanks xx


	4. The One With George Stephanopoulos

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except **Neville**.]

** Hermione: **  Alright. Luna?

** Luna: **  Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

** Harry: **  Yeah, see.. you took mine. Ron, what about you?

** Ron: **  Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.

** Draco: **  See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." ( **Neville** enters.)

** All: **  Hey Neville. Hi. Hey, buddy.

** Hermione: **  Hey, Neville, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

** Neville: **  Probably kill myself!

** Hermione: **  ..Excuse me?

** Neville: **  Hey, if Little Neville's dead, then I got no reason to live!

** Harry: **  Neville, uh-  **OM** nipotent.

** Neville: **  You  _are_? Harry, I'm sorry..

** Opening Credits **

[Scene: Central Perk, **Harry** and **Hermione** are watching **Luna** sleep.]

** Hermione: **  How does she do that?

** Harry: **  I cannot sleep in a public place.

** Hermione: **  Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

** Luna: **  (waking and startling them) Oh! What what what! ...Hi.

** Harry: **  It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.

** Hermione: **  What's going on with you?

** Luna: **  I got no sleep last night!

** Harry: **  Why?

** Luna: **  My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

** Hermione: **  Well, if you want, you can stay with Draco and me tonight.

** Luna: **  Thanks.

( **Ron** and **Neville** enter.  **Neville** is counting his steps.)

** Neville: **  ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

** Ron: **  You got waaaay too much free time.

** Neville: **  (to **Harry** ) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Harry, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.

** Ron: **  Happy birthday, pal!

** Neville: **  We love you, man. (Kisses Harry)

** Harry: **  Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

** Neville: **  So?

** Harry: **  So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?

** Ron: **  Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."

** Harry: **  Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?

** Hermione: **  Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.

** Harry: **  Ohhh.

** Neville: **  What's wrong with the twentieth?

** Ron: **  Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

** Harry: **  Today's the day Ginny and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Neville is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

** Neville: **  The hell with hockey, let's all do that!

** Ron: **  (trying to stop **Harry** leaving) C'mon, Harry! You, me, Neville, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

** Harry: **  What are you doing?

** Ron: **  (stops) I have no idea.

** Neville: **  C'mon, Harry!

** Harry: **  Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

** Ron: **  You got it.

( **Draco** runs up cluching an envelope.)

** Draco: **  Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!

** Luna: **  I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.

** Hermione: **  Wow, you worked in a mine?

** Luna: **  I worked in a  _Dairy Queen_ , why?

** Draco: **  God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Ron, look at that.

** Ron: **  (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

** Neville: **  Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.

** Harry: **  You can totally, totally live on this.

** Hermione: **  Yeah, yeah.

** Harry: **  Oh, by the way,  **great** service tonight.

** All: **  Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

** Guys: **  Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Draco's friends, **Leslie** , **Kiki** , and **Joanne**.  The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys leave.)

** Leslie: **  (looking around) Draco?

** Draco: **  Oh my God! ( **Draco** , **Leslie** , **Kiki** , and **Joanne** all scream and hug each other.

** Hermione: **  (to **Luna** ) I swear I've seen birds do this on  _Wild Kingdom_.

** Draco: **  What are you guys doing here?

** Kiki: **  Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!

** Joanne: **  Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.

** Draco: **  (to a **pregnant Leslie** ) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!

** Leslie: **  I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

** Draco: **  (to **Joanne** ) So what's going on with you?

** Joanne: **  Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

** Kiki: **  And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)

** Luna: **  (to **Hermione** ) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Ron and Neville are kicking a can to each other.]

** Ron: **  ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to **Neville**.)

** Neville: **  Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to **Harry** , but **Harry** is staring into a shop window.)

** Ron: **  We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

** Harry: **  Ginny was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Ron's look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.  **Ron** and **Neville** start to talk but **Harry** stops and whines.)

** Neville: **  What?

** Harry: **  Peach pit.

** Ron: **  Yes, Bunny?

** Harry: **  (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-

** Neville: **  -Peaches?

** Harry: **  Actually, nectarines, but basically...

** Ron: **  (to **Neville** ) Could've been a peach.

** Harry: **  Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.

** Neville: **  Hey, that woman's got an ass like Ginny's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, **Draco** , **Leslie** , **Kiki** , and **Joanne** are talking.]

** Draco: **  So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!

** Kiki: **  Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Blaise at the altar!

** Joanne: **  Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.

** Draco: **  Okay.

** Joanne: **  When are you coming home?

** Draco: **  What? Guys, I'm not.

** Joanne: **  C'mon, this is us.

** Draco: **  I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-

** Kiki: **  Waiting?

** Draco: **  Okay, I'm not just waiting. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

** Leslie: **  Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Luna** and **Hermione** are in pajamas and **Hermione** is making something in the blender as **Draco** enters.]

** Hermione: **  Hey, Dray. How was it with your friends? (She and **Luna** scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

** Draco: **  What's that?

** Hermione: **  Weeeell, it's rum, and-

** Draco: **  Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

** Hermione: **  We thought since Luna was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got  _Twister_... (The phone rings and Hermione answers it.)

** Luna: **  Ooh! Ooh! And I brought  _Operation_! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!

** Hermione: **  Uh, Dray, it's the  _Visa_ card people.

** Draco: **  Oh, God, ask them what they want.

** Hermione: **  (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Draco) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

** Draco: **  But I haven't used my card in weeks!

** Hermione: **  That  **is** the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.

** Draco: **  They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?

** Hermione: **  (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Draco has left the building, can you call back?

** Draco: **  Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play  _Twister_!

[Scene:  _Madison Square Garden_ , the guys are trying to find their seats.]

** Harry: **  (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

** Ron: **  What? There was ice there that night with Ginny? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

** Harry: **  No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there  **was**  ice there that night... It was the first frost...

** Neville: **  C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

** Hermione: **  You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

** Draco: **  Hermione, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

** Luna: **  You are just like Jack.

** Draco: **  ...Jack from downstairs?

** Luna: **  No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

** Hermione: **  Ah, the other Jack.

** Luna: **  Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in  **the**  Village..

** Draco: **  Okay, but Luna, Luna, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-

** Luna: **  Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

** Draco: **  But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...

** Luna: **  Floopy?

** Draco: **  Yeah.

** Hermione: **  So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.

** Luna: **  Oh, like that's a word.

** Draco: **  Okay, but Hermione, what if- what if it doesn't come together?

** Hermione: **  ...Luna?

** Luna: **  Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.

** Draco: **  Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?

[Scene:  _Madison Square Garden_ , the guys are watching the game.]

** Harry: **  Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!

** Ron: **  (to **Harry** ) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

** Harry: **  Pass it! Pass it!

** Ron: **  He's open!

** All: **  Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits **Harry** in the face.  **Ron** looks concerned until he notices...)

** Ron: **  Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!

( **Ron** and **Neville** hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

** Commercial Break **

[Scene: An Emergency Room, **Ron** and **Neville** are leading Harry in.]

** Ron: **  (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.

** Receptionist: **  (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.

** Ron: **  Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

** Receptionist: **  (on phone) Hold on. (To Ron) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

** Harry: **  (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is  _dented_.

** Receptionist: **  Well, you'll have to wait your turn.

** Neville: **  Well, how long do you think it'll be?

** Receptionist: **  (sarcastic) Any minute now.

** Harry: **  Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, the slumber party continues.]

** Draco: **  I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.

** Hermione: **  No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)

** Pizza Guy: **  (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!

** Draco: **  Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)

** Hermione: **  Luna?

** Luna: **  What?

** Hermione: **  Do you have a plan?

** Luna: **  I don't even have a 'pl'.

** Pizza Guy: **  Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?

** Draco: **  (miserably) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

** Pizza Guy: **  Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!

** Hermione: **  (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'

** Pizza Guy: **  Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

** Hermione: **  Wait, was this a-a small Mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

** Pizza Guy: **  Yeah, that sounds about right.

** Hermione: **  Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

** Luna: **  And-and a power tie?

** Pizza Guy: **  No, pretty much just a towel.

** Hermione: **  (staggered) Oh God.

** Pizza Guy: **  So you guys want me to take this back?

** Hermione: **  Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! ( **Draco** pays him, **Hermione** grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)

** Draco: **  Uh, Luna? Who's George Snuffalopagus?

** Luna: **  Big Bird's friend.

** Hermione: **  I see pizza!

** Luna: **  Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

** Draco: **  Hello? Who are we spying on?

** Hermione: **  White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

** Draco: **  Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!

** Luna: **  Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.

** Hermione: **  Please tell me it's his mother.

** Luna: **  Definitely not his mother.

** Hermione: **  Oh, no...

** Luna: **  Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! ( **Luna** covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, **Neville** is miming hockey pucks hitting foreheads.  **Ron** realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]

** Ron: **  Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the glass panel over and **Ron** talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, the three are all out on the balcony.]

** Hermione: **  Light still out?

** Draco: **  Yeah.

** Hermione: **  Oh. Maybe they're- napping.

** Draco: **  Oh please, they're having sex.

** Hermione and Luna: **  Shut up!

** Draco: **  So, whaddya think George is like?

** Hermione: **  I think he's shy.

** Luna: **  Yeah?

** Hermione: **  Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Harry is still going on about his first night with Ginny.]

** Harry: **  I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

** Ron: **  Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?

** Neville: **  He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.

** Harry: **  Look, it's just a little more complicated...

** Ron: **  Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

** Harry: **  Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...

** Ron: **  Then what?

** Harry: **  My first time with Ginny was... (He mumbles the last part)

** Neville: **  What?

** Harry: **  It was my  **first time**.

** Neville: **  With Ginny? ( **Harry** gives him a look.) Oh.

** Ron: **  So in your whole life, you've only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

** Neville: **  Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, the three are still out on the balcony.]

** Hermione: **  Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

** Luna: **  Uh-huh.

** Hermione: **  Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!

** Luna: **  Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

** Hermione: **  What?! You slept with Jason?

** Luna: **  You'd already broken up.

** Draco: **  How long?

** Luna: **  A couple hours.

** Hermione: **  Oh, that's nice!

** Draco: **  Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (He sits up and the cushion he was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

** Hermione: **  Excuse me?!

** Draco: **  Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (To **Luna** ) She was a  **big girl**.

** Hermione: **  Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

** Draco: **  I was laughing! You made me laugh! ( **Hermione** and **Draco** start to squabble)

** Luna: **  There he is! There he is!

** Hermione: **  Where?

** Luna: **  Right- where we've been looking all night!

** Draco: **  He is so cute!

** Hermione: **  Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

** All: **  Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, **Harry** is absent.]

** Neville: **  Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?

** Ron: **  I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...

** Neville: **  Really?

** Ron: **  No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. ( **Harry** enters off camera)

** Both: **  Hey, buddy.

** Harry: **  Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

** Receptionist: **  (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.

** Ron: **  Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

** Harry: **  Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?

** Neville: **  Oh, ah- the kid has it.

** Harry: **  The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.

** Kid: **  I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Harry looks at Ron for help.)

** Ron: **  You gotta do it, man.

** Harry: **  (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever—(to **Ron** )—can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.

** Kid: **  No.

** Harry: **  'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!

** Kid: **  No! No! (They start to fight over it.)

** Receptionist: **  Hey! Hey! No rough housing in my ER!

** Harry: **  (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)

** Harry: **  ...Now  **that**  was fun.

** Closing Credits **

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Neville** , **Draco** and the girls are playing twister.]

** Harry: **  (Doing the spinning) Okay, Hermione: Right foot red.

** Hermione: **  Could've played  _Monopoly_ , but nooooo.

(There's a knock on the door, **Ron** opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)

** Ron: **  Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

** Harry: **  Okay, Luna: Right hand blue. ( **Luna** has to bend over.) Good. ( **Neville** stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and **Ron** answers it.)

** Ron: **  Hello? Oh, uh, Draco, it's the  _Visa_ card people.

** Draco: **  Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

** Ron: **  Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Draco.

** Draco: **  Nooo! (He grabs the phone and **Ron** takes his place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.

** Harry: **  Green. To the green.

** Draco: **  (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.

** Ron: **  To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)

** Draco: **  (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.

** End **


	5. The One With the East German Laundry Detergent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor characters:  
> Janice: Lavender Brown

[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

** Hermione: **  Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.

** Harry: **  Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

** Draco: **  Come on! We can pee standing up.

** Ron: **  We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.

** Neville: **  Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.

** Luna: **  Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

** Harry: **  Multiple orgasms!

###  Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

** Ron: **  So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

** Neville: **  No plans, huh?

** Ron: **  Not a one.

** Harry: **  Not even, say, breaking up with Lavender?

** Ron: **  Oh, right, right, shut up.

** Hermione: **  Ron, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.

** Ron: **  No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

** Neville: **  Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

** Luna: **  You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.

** Ron: **  Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.

** Luna: **  No, I mean you break up with Lavender and I'll break up with Tony.

** Harry: **  Tony?

** Hermione: **  Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?

** Luna: **  Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.

** Draco: **  (waiting) Does anybody want anything else?

** Harry: **  Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. ( **Draco** gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.

** Luna: **  (to **Draco** ) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?

** Draco: **  It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

** Harry: **  That guy, he burns me up.

** Draco: **  Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me  _young man_.

** Ron: **  Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

** Hermione: **  Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?

** Draco: **  Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".

** Luna: **  (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

( **Angela** , a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

** Angela: **  Hi, Neville.

** Neville: **  My god, Angela.

( **Angela** takes a seat at the counter.)

** Hermione: **  Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.

** Luna: **  Are you gonna go over there?

** Neville: **  No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.

** Angela: **  (casually) Neville.

** Neville: **  You look good.

** Angela: **  That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

** Neville: **  You don't say.

(Cut to **Harry** and **Draco** , talking next to one of the tables.)

** Harry: **  So, uh, Draco, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?

** Draco: **  Oh, big glamour night. Me and Hermione at Laundorama.

** Harry: **  Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?

** Draco: **  Who?

** Harry: **  Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?

** Draco: **  Don't you have a laundry room in your building?

** Harry: **  Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

** Draco: **  Sure.

(Cut back to **Neville** and **Angela** at the counter.)

** Angela: **  Forget it Neville. I'm with Bob now.

** Neville: **  Bob? Who the hell's Bob?

** Angela: **  Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...

** Neville: **  Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

** Angela: **  Yeah, well, sorry, Nev. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?

** Neville: **  What?

** Angela: **  We're just friends.

** Neville: **  Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?

** Angela: **  What four of us?

** Neville: **  You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Hermione.

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's apartment, **Neville** is there, trying to convince **Hermione** to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook **Hermione** up with Angela's boyfriend **Bob** and then take **Angela** back for himself.]

** Neville: **  Hermione, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.

** Hermione: **  Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

** Neville: **  Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...

** Hermione: **  (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

** Neville: **  What?

** Hermione: **  Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!

** Neville: **  Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

** Hermione: **  What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.

** Neville: **  (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?

[Scene: Harry' apartment, **Ron** is over.]

** Harry: **  (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Hermione's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Draco.

** Ron: **  Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?

** Harry: **  It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

** Ron: **  It's just you and Draco, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.

** Harry: **  Nuh-uh.

** Ron: **  Yuh-huh.

** Harry: **  So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

** Ron: **  Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time he’s gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?

** Harry: **  (sheepish) No.

** Ron: **  Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

** Harry: **  Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my  _Snuggles_? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

** Ron: **  There you go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, **Neville** and **Hermione** are there, meeting **Angela** and **Bob** , who **Hermione** thinks is Angela's brother.]

** Hermione: **  Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

** Neville: **  Yep.

** Hermione: **  Which?

** Neville: **  Which what?

** Hermione: **  You've never met Bob, have you?

** Neville: **  No, but he's...

** Hermione: **  Oh my god, Neville, for all we know this guy could be horribly...

( **Angela** and **Bob** walk in. **Bob** is good-looking.)

** Angela: **  Hey, Neville.

** Hermione: **  ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, **Ron** and **Luna** are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

** Ron: **  Where are they? Where are they?

** Luna: **  This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

** Ron: **  It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

** Luna: **  Eww, I don't wanna do that.

( **Lavender** and Luna's boyfriend, **Tony** , walk in.)

** Ron: **  Here we go.

** Luna: **  Ok, have a good break-up.

** Ron: **  Hey, Lavender.

** Lavender: **  Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

** Ron: **  Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

** Lavender: **  We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...

( **Ron** sees **Luna** breaking up with **Tony**. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. **Ron** is amazed how easy it was for her.)

** Ron: **  What?

** Lavender: **  What?

** Ron: **  (covering) What... did you get me there?

** Lavender: **  I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

** Ron: **  Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.

** Lavender: **  Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky ,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

** Ron: **  That's great.

(The drinks arrive, and **Ron** downs his espresso in one gulp.)

** Ron: **  Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?

** Lavender: **  (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.

( **Ron** walks over to the counter where **Luna** is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

** Ron: **  That's it?

** Luna: **  Yeah, it was really hard.

** Ron: **  Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

** Luna: **  Ok, you weren't there.

[Scene: The Launderama, **Draco** is there, waiting for **Harry**. An old woman takes Draco's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]

** Woman: **  Comin' through. Move, move.

** Draco: **  Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

** Woman: **  Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.

** Draco: **  But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

** Woman: **  Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.

** Draco: **  What?

** Woman: **  No suds, no save. Ok?

( **Harry** arrives.)

** Harry: **  What's goin' on?

** Draco: **  Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

** Harry: **  Was your basket on top?

** Draco: **  Yeah, but, there were no suds.

** Harry: **  So?

** Draco: **  Well, you know, no suds, no save.

** Harry: **  No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.

** Woman: **  Hey, hey, hey, his stuff wasn't in it.

** Harry: **  Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.

(The woman and **Harry** stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

** Harry: **  (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to **Draco** ) Ok, let's do laundry.

** Draco: **  That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.

** Harry: **  Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.

( **Harry** pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

** Draco: **  What's that?

** Harry: **   _Uberveiss_. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.

( **Draco** starts to load her clothes.)

** Harry: **  Dray, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?

** Draco: **  Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

** Harry: **  Dray, have you never done this before?

** Draco: **  Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

** Harry: **  Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your boxers and things

** Draco: **  (holds a pair of boxers in front of **Harry** ) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton boxers. Would they go with whites or delicates?

** Harry: **  (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, **Hermione** , **Neville** , **Angela** , and **Bob** are seated at the table.]

** Hermione: **  (to **Neville** ) He is so cute. (to **Angela** and **Bob** ) So, where did you guys grow up?

** Angela: **  Brooklyn Heights.

** Bob: **  Cleveland.

** Hermione: **  How, how did that happen?

** Neville: **  Oh my god.

** Hermione: **  What?

** Neville: **  I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.

###  Commercial Break

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, **Neville** and **Bob** are talking.]

** Neville: **  So, you and Angela, huh?

** Bob: **  Yep. Pretty much.

** Neville: **  You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.

** Bob: **  Huh, I never really noticed.

** Neville: **  Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

** Bob: **  Hermione, Hermione is great.

** Neville: **  Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, **Hermione** and **Angela** are talking.]

** Hermione: **  I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

** Angela: **  Yeah, isn't he?

** Hermione: **  It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

** Angela: **  You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.

** Hermione: **  Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.

** Angela: **  Huh. That's nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, **Luna** is coaching **Ron** on how to break up with **Lavender**.]

** Luna: **  Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

( **Ron** walks back to couch, where **Lavender** is.)

** Ron: **  Lavender. Hi, Lavender. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Lavender.

** Lavender: **  All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

** Draco: **  Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.

** Harry: **  That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Ginny left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Harry...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

** Draco: **  What uh-oh?

** Harry: **  (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

** Draco: **  Harry, what's the matter?

** Harry: **  Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.

** Draco: **  Come on, show me.

** Harry: **  All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.

** Draco: **  Oh, everything's pink.

** Harry: **  Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.

** Draco: **  Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, **Angela** has her hand in Bob's shirt, and **Hermione** is very uncomfortable.]

** Hermione: **  Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Neville, could we check it in the light, please?

(Her and **Neville** walk away from the table.)

** Hermione: **  Oh my god.

** Neville: **  What?

** Hermione: **  Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.

** Neville: **  Come on, they're close.

** Hermione: **  Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.

** Neville: **  Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Harry.

** Hermione: **  Neville, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not really true, is it?

** Neville: **  Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...

** Hermione: **  Oh my god, what were you thinking?

** Neville: **  All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

** Hermione: **  (hits him lightly) Oh!

** Neville: **  Ow!

** Hermione: **  (leaving) I'm outta here.

** Neville: **  Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.

** Hermione: **  Really?

** Neville: **  Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, **Hermione** accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. **Neville** is making eyes at **Angela**.]

** Hermione: **  I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

( **Angela** is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise **Neville** had told **Bob** about.)

** Neville: **  Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, **Ron** is still trying to ease things over with **Lavender** , and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

** Ron: **  Here's the thing, Lavender. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, ( **Ron** flails his hand out and hits **Lavender** in the eye)... boom.

** Lavender: **  Ow!

** Ron: **  Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?

** Lavender: **  Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.

(She leaves.)

** Ron: **  (to **Luna** ) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.

** Luna: **  Oh my god. ( **Ron** downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?

** Ron: **  Oh, I don't know, a million?

** Luna: **  Ron, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

** Ron: **  I'm fine.

** Luna: **  All right.

( **Lavender** returns from the bathroom.)

** Ron: **  I'm not fine. Here she comes.

** Luna: **  Wait here. Breathe.

( **Luna** goes over to speak to **Lavender**. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then **Lavender** immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to **Ron** , and leaves.)

** Ron: **  How do you do that?

** Luna: **  It's like a gift.

** Ron: **  We should always always break up together.

** Luna: **  Oh, I'd like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. **Draco** is sorting his now-pink clothes.]

** Harry: **  You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.

** Draco: **  Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Draco's laundry cart.)

** Draco: **  Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

** Woman: **  Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

( **Draco** looks at **Harry** , who motions to him to get the cart back.)

** Draco: **  I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

** Woman: **  Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.

** Draco: **  Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

** Woman: **  Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, **Draco** climbs inside of it.)

** Draco: **  All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

** Draco: **  (to **Harry** ) Yes! Did you see that?

** Harry: **  You were incredible! Brand new man, ladies and gentlemen.

** Draco: **  I could not have done this without you.

( **Draco** stands up and kisses **Harry**. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

** Harry: **  Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? ( **Harry** turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

** Draco: **  Are you sure?

** Harry: **  No.

** Closing Credits **

[Scene: Central Perk, **Harry** , **Draco** , and **Luna** are there. **Harry** has an icepack to his head.]

** Draco: **  Oh, are you sure you're ok?

** Harry: **  Yeah.

** Draco: **  Does it still hurt?

** Harry: **  Yeah.

** Luna: **  (seeing Draco's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

( **Hermione** and **Neville** enter.)

** Hermione: **  Hi.

** Luna: **  Hey, how'd it go?

** Neville: **  Excellent.

** Hermione: **  We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

** Harry: **  What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.

** Hermione: **  (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.

** Draco: **  Where's Ron?

** Luna: **  Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

( **Ron** runs by the window outside, joyous.)

** Ron: **  I'm free! I'm free!

** Luna: **  That oughta do it.

** End **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me that's not what went down when Ron and Lavender broke up. I'm a bit upset because the whole part with Harry and Draco seems wonky. But I don't know.


	6. The One With the Butt

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience waiting for a play of Neville's to start.]

** Draco: **  (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Neville's picture! This is so exciting!

** Ron: **  You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

** Luna: **  The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just  _Freud_ , it's  _Freud!_

(The lights dim.)

** Harry: **  Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, **Neville** , as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)

** Neville: **  Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)

_ All you want is a dingle, _ _  
_What you envy's a schwang,_  
_A thing through which you can tinkle,_  
_Or play with, or simply let hang...__

** Opening Credits **

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding.  As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]

** Draco: **  God. I feel violated.

** Hermione: **  Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

** Ron: **  (staring at a woman across the room) Harry, ten o'clock.

** Harry: **  Is it? Feels like two.

** Ron: **  No,  **ten o'clock**.

** Harry: **  What?

** Ron: **  (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

** Harry: **  Oh. Hel-lo!

** Ron: **  She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

** Hermione: **  Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

** Ron: **  Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

** Draco: **  Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

** Ron: **  Oh please, could she  **be** more out of my league? Harry, back me up here.

** Harry: **  He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

** Ron: **  Thank you, buddy.

** Luna: **  Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

** Hermione: **  You could do that!

** Ron: **  Y'think?

** All: **  Yeah!

** Ron: **  Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...

** Harry: **  C'mon! C'mon!

** Ron: **  Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

** Aurora: **  ...Yes?

** Ron: **  Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Ron! Ron is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.

** Aurora: **  Yes, you said that.

** Ron: **  Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)

** Aurora: **  Ron?

( **Neville** enters from behind a curtain.  The others all talk at once.)

** All: **  Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

** Neville: **  Whadja think?

(Pause)

** All: **  ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

** Neville: **  C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

** All: **  (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

** Ron: **  (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To **Neville** ) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name ‘Rron.’ ‘Rron’. I think I like it better that way. (To **Neville** ) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)

** Draco: **  What is it?

** Neville: **  The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

** Luna: **  Based on  _this play_? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as **Ron** enters.]

** Ron: **  Hey, kids.

** All: **  Hey.

** Luna: **  (reading Hermione's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.

** Ron: **  Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.

** Hermione: **  Oh, right, right. How was your date, ‘Rron’?

** Ron: **  It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...

(A flashback of **Aurora** and **Ron** on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. _

** Ron: **  We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  'We' would be me and Rick. _

** Neville: **  Who's Rick?

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Who's Rick? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  My husband. _

** All: **  Ooooohhh.

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Oh, so you're divorced? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  No. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  No, I'm still married. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend. _

** All: **  What?!

**_ Ron: _ ** _  So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend? _

**_ Aurora: _ ** _  I suppose mainly sexual. _

**_ Ron: _ ** _  ...Hm. _

** Hermione: **  Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

** Ron: **  What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?

** Hermione: **  Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?

** Ron: **  Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and  **none**  of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!

** Luna: **  Oh, yeah. That is not true. Harry, is this your fantasy?

** Harry: **  No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

** Hermione: **  What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

** Neville: **  I couldn't do it.

** Hermione: **  Good for you, Neville.

** Neville: **  When I'm with a woman, I need to  _know_  that I'm going out with more people than she is.

** Harry: **  Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-

(They all pretend to fall asleep.)

** Harry: **  Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

** Hermione: **  We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

** All: **  Yeah! C'mon!

** Harry: **  Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Draco** is there as enter except **Neville** enter.]

** Draco: **  Tah-daaah!

** Ron: **  Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

** Draco: **  Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.

** Harry: **  Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.

** Draco: **  Well, whaddya think?

** All: **  Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

** Hermione: **  ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

** All: **  Uh-oh...

** Hermione: **  How-how did that happen?

** Draco: **  I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.

** Hermione: **  Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.

** Luna: **  (to **Draco** ) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.

** Ron: **  Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.

** Hermione: **  You guys, I am not that bad!

** Luna: **  Yeah, you are, Hermione. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

** Hermione: **  That is so unfair!

** Harry: **  Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!

** Hermione: **  Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.

** Harry: **  Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.

** Hermione: **  Why not?

** Harry: **  Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.

** Hermione: **  I could do that.

** Draco: **  Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.

** Hermione: **  Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

** Ron: **  Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...

** Hermione: **  STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

** Harry: **  Hermione? You're Mom.

( **Hermione** gasps.)

** Luna: **  Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

( **Neville** enters and he's on the phone.)

** Neville: **  (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!

** All: **  Oh my God! Whoah!

** Hermione: **  Well, what's the part?

** Neville: **  Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"

** Luna: **  Seriously, what-what's the part?

** Neville: **  "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

** Harry: **  C'mon, seriously, Neville, what's the part?

** Neville: **  ...I'm his (mumbles)

** Draco: **  ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

** Neville: **  ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

** Hermione: **  (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

** Neville: **  C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

** Ron: **  Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.

** Neville: **  Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

** Harry: **  You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

** Commercial Break **

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, the next morning, **Hermione** is getting the door.]

** Hermione: **  Alright, alright, alright...

( **Neville** enters with Hermione's paper and hands it to her.)

** Neville: **  Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

** Hermione: **  For what?

** Neville: **  Whaddya think? Today's the big day!

** Hermione: **  Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.

** Neville: **  Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

( **Ron** enters with the phone.)

** Ron: **  Where's Neville? His mom's on the phone.

** Hermione: **  He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

** Ron: **  C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!

** Hermione: **  I warned you...

( **Draco** enters from his room.)

** Draco: **  Who is being loud?

** Ron: **  Oh, that would be Hermione. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.

** Hermione: **  Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

** Ron: **  Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)

** Draco: **  Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

** Ron: **  No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Hermione, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)

** Hermione: **  Sure. Oh, um, Ron? Y'know, the-the old Hermione would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.

(She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, **Neville** is entering for his scene.]

** Director: **  (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?

** Neville: **  Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.

** Director: **  Lose the robe.

** Neville: **  Me?

** Director: **  That would work.

** Neville: **  Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.

** Director: **  Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.

( **Neville** starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)

** Director: **  And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?

** Neville: **  Well, I'm- I'm showering.

** Director: **  No, that was clenching.

** Neville: **  Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.

** Director: **  I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?

** Neville: **  I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...

[Scene: Ron and Neville's, **Aurora** and **Ron** are in bed in Ron's room.]

** Ron: **  God, I love these fingers...

** Aurora: **  Thank you.

** Ron: **  No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.

** Aurora: **  (moves Ron's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)

** Ron: **  Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)

** Aurora: **  Okay.

** Ron: **  Don't go.

** Aurora: **  Okay. Oh no, I have to.

** Ron: **  (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.

** Aurora: **  (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.

** Ron: **  Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.

** Aurora: **  It's not Rick.

** Ron: **  What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!

** Aurora: **  No, it's-it's Andrew.

** Ron: **  I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?

** Aurora: **  He's... new.

** Ron: **  Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?

** Aurora: **  No, that's not exactly what I was..

** Ron: **  Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.

** Aurora: **  So what do you want?

** Ron: **  You.

** Aurora: **  You have me!

** Ron: **  Nono, just you.

** Aurora: **  Whaddyou mean?

** Ron: **  Lose the other guys.

** Aurora: **  ...Like, ...all of them?

** Ron: **  C'mon, we're great together, why not?

** Aurora: **  Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.

** Ron: **  ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'

** Aurora: **  So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?

** Ron: **  I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...

** Aurora: **  Which one?

** Ron: **  ...The second guy.

** Aurora: **  (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.

(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)

** Ron: **  Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

(She leaves, **Ron** sighs, and falls back on his bed.)

[Scene: Hermione and Draco's, **Harry** is trying to comfort **Ron**.  **Neville** is absent.]

** Harry: **  Look at it this way:  **you** dumped  **her**. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?

( **Neville** enters.)

** All: **  Hey!

** Hermione: **  Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?

** Neville: **  Nope.

** Harry: **  No? What happened, big guy?

** Ron: **  (to **Harry** ) "Big guy?"

** Harry: **  It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

** Neville: **  I got fired.

** All: **  Oh!

** Neville: **  Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...

** Draco: **  Oh, Neville, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.

** Neville: **  My mom will.

** Ron: **  Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.

** Neville: **  Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!

** Hermione: **  Maybe this wasn't your shot.

** Harry: **  Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?

** Neville: **  Hard to tell, I was naked.

** Luna: **  No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Neville Longbottom’s ass!'.

** Neville: **  Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)

(Harry and Ron look at each other and hug as well.)

** Hermione: **  I'm sorry, Neville. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.

** All: **  Night.

** Draco: **  Uh, ‘Mione, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?

** Hermione: **  (determined) Uh-huh!

** Draco: **  Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?

** Hermione: **  Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (She goes to her room.)

** Harry: **  She  **is** a kook.

** Closing Credits **

[Scene: Hermione's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]

** Hermione: **  (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head)  _If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help!_ (She buries her head in her pillow.)

** End **

**Author's Note:**

> iWell, hope you enjoyed it. I have no idea if I'll continue it so if you think i should, leave a comment and I'll feel very appreciated.


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